There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
