After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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