she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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