Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize