Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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