Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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