Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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