Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
