sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
