so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
