dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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