Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
