shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
