Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
They are going to name an STD after you.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
