When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
