some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
