Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
