i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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