So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
