Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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