I looked at my own cervix.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
