Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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