I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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