i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
