I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
