Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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