just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
