I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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