Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
