I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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