fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Randomize
