just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
