She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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