you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
