Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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