So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
