Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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