Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
