i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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