I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
