Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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