Sponge bath it is.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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