I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
