ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
There's even glitter on my cock...
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