he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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