happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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