someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
