I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
