I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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