I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
