the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
