you're like a bully in the Christmas story
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
