dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
