i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
