everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
