it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
