the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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