i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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