i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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