spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
