Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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