I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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