An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
