just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
